Fitting in.

I miss writting. And I miss me.
Still tired, still overwhelmed with stuff going on inside my head.
Gained weight. Feeling sorry for myself.
Got a new loan. Paid some dues back.
He is utterly happy in his private life. Miserable at work. 
I am miserable privately and at work.
You can't really tell. I do smile a lot. And make fun. And make silly faces.
But I started to cry a lot, at home, in the silence of my flat.
Realised, the cool kids are cruel. And I just don't belong there.
Realised, I don't have much time left for the things I really need to do and change.
The pain in my chest is increasing. 
I get dizzy a lot.
A pile of worries gets over me.
One day I'm totally focused and disciplined.
One day I'm just a lazyass. Not moving a thing about myself and my life.
The breaking point is coming.
It started with a movie. Now with the book upon which said movie was made.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
I totally get it. I totally feel it. 
It scares me.
And it comforts me. I am not alone with this thoughts. These mind games.
Still refusing to make important changes. Still making excuses.
And still dreaming about a better life.
Well, better life will happen when the changes will be made. 
So.
I need to finish this book. And get some sleep. 
Tomorrow is the final day of my meditation class. I will get a certificate.
And I will start the lessons over again. 
Because I have skipped them too many. 
And in this class, the class of Life, skipping doesn't really pay up.