Fail.

Now, I got this.
Failing stuff.
I'm pretty good at this. 
This is one thing I can surely accomplish.
And finish.
Failing.
And as much as I try not to fail, somehow I manage to.
It's not something I'm so proud of.
It just happens.
I've developed a sarcastic kind of humorous philosophy about it.
Doesn't quite help.
I know, it's me. I have a serial malfunction in my system.
It's called auto-sabotage. 
Why be happy and succeed when you can fail at any given moment.
Happiness is so overrated.
So is success.
Failure is the thing.
Now, seriously.
Lately I've been failing miserably at almost every step that I tried to take into my new direction.
I failed at my promises, my plans, myself.
What's even worse, in most cases the instigator of my failure was he. 
But that's a different story.
Let's just say I'm tired of failing and self-destruction.
It ends. Now.

Me.

I will have me when first thing on my mind when I wake up will be me.
Simple as that.
Simple, but not easy.
First thing when I try to wake up is ... just 10 more minutes ... just 10 more minutes so I can dream a little dream of him. 
Aaand so it starts. My day starts with a dream of him. 
No wonder I can't get rid of him.
I ain't even trying enough I guess.
So today, after writing some stuff, I realised this is way beyond gone too far.
Nevermind all the emotions, feelings, the words said and unsaid, the looks and the connection.
Because there are also lies, manipulation, a bit of pretending and a lot of teasing.
And a seriuos lack of trust. 
Yes, surely, I trust him that he has my back, he will take care of me and help me.
But, on a higher, deeper level, I just don't trust him.
And that's not quite a good thing, right.
So, knowing this, and admiting this to myself, I decided I will think of me more. 
For a change.
And for a start.
So whenever my delusional mind wanders towards him, I shall gently stop it and say, hey gorgeus, it's me that you're looking for. And I shall say it with the most gentle and loving voice. 
So, yes, it's all about me now.

Just thinking.

So I decided to take control of my life.
And to make certain changes.
I know, this will get a lot of people's eyebrows rise. And will start a project called: Let's help her get back to sanity. Or something like that.
My main issue is, that I usually started enthusiastically talk about it and make plans and got all excited and stuff like that. And after a while, it all fell into water and people's predictions "came true". 
So, I decided not to explain things. Not in details. Not enthusiastically. 
Just basic stuff maybe. And with careful selection of words.
I do not need to explain myself. After a while I will be shown, me. 
The reason for writting this was his reaction. My choice of word was poor and he called in concern. How do you mean, no more drugs and alcohol?
Well, drugs were never actually my thing. 
Alcohol, honestly, a glass of wine will still do. 
His concern was honest. He doens't want my head to be filled with other people's want.
Except his I guess.
I said I don't want to talk about this over phone.
I wanted to write him an e-mail, explaining. But as i said, no more explaining.
My biggest fear - losing him. And losing some people around me.
Because now I will be shown as I am. No more nice masks, pretending to be OK or to be a drama queen with heartbreaking stories.
No more sticking around just in case I don't miss something.
No more me hanging on him, trying to be interesting enough to hang with him. 
Will I be interesting enough for him now? So he will want to hang with me? 
Just thinking.
I am interesting enough as it is. My true me was always strong inside me, even through all my masks and walls. 
Losing him? Will hurt. But I know I will not lose him. 
Nor will I lose my closest ones.
Yes, some people will leave my life. But those who count, won't. 
Just thinking.
I am so blessed in my life, so blessed. 
Thank you.

I am still here.

I managed to survive last year.
I made plans to make plans for new year. I failed.
I also made plans how to end the year. I failed that too.
I didn't fail at failing and failing myself. 
Right now I'm struggling not to fall in the abyss of self-destruction and self-hatred. Because of all the failing. 
It is simple to fall in. It is easy. It is known. I know how to fall in it and I know how to swim in my shit.
But, somehow I managed to make a commitment for a change. I vowed I'm starting new. I made it clear I need a new start. 
Just the execution of this is a bit blurry. Because it involves my ass sitting behind the table and writting and digging deep into me and writting and making deadlines and making things change.
Well, my ass is not used to that. It is used to take shortcuts, to avoid things and to postpone things until they no longer matter.
But, for some strange reason, now it is different.
Just that I managed to fail is still bugging me. 
But, taking a different look at the situation, I didn't fail at execution. I failed at expectations. I made plans and I expected things to be like this and like that. And then when I was  going to do things, I wasn't quite satisfied because they didn't quite look the way I wanted to.
Point?
Need to write. Seriously. I need to write more. 
And to meditate.
And to take care of my finances.
At the moment, I would also gladly get laid, but somehow I don't have the energy. I need to put myself together. 
This is my last call.
I am still here.