Just thinking.

So I decided to take control of my life.
And to make certain changes.
I know, this will get a lot of people's eyebrows rise. And will start a project called: Let's help her get back to sanity. Or something like that.
My main issue is, that I usually started enthusiastically talk about it and make plans and got all excited and stuff like that. And after a while, it all fell into water and people's predictions "came true". 
So, I decided not to explain things. Not in details. Not enthusiastically. 
Just basic stuff maybe. And with careful selection of words.
I do not need to explain myself. After a while I will be shown, me. 
The reason for writting this was his reaction. My choice of word was poor and he called in concern. How do you mean, no more drugs and alcohol?
Well, drugs were never actually my thing. 
Alcohol, honestly, a glass of wine will still do. 
His concern was honest. He doens't want my head to be filled with other people's want.
Except his I guess.
I said I don't want to talk about this over phone.
I wanted to write him an e-mail, explaining. But as i said, no more explaining.
My biggest fear - losing him. And losing some people around me.
Because now I will be shown as I am. No more nice masks, pretending to be OK or to be a drama queen with heartbreaking stories.
No more sticking around just in case I don't miss something.
No more me hanging on him, trying to be interesting enough to hang with him. 
Will I be interesting enough for him now? So he will want to hang with me? 
Just thinking.
I am interesting enough as it is. My true me was always strong inside me, even through all my masks and walls. 
Losing him? Will hurt. But I know I will not lose him. 
Nor will I lose my closest ones.
Yes, some people will leave my life. But those who count, won't. 
Just thinking.
I am so blessed in my life, so blessed. 
Thank you.