Edge.

Have new haircut. 
It's a girls thing. Something goes wrong, you have all these feelings, emotions, ups and downs, and suddenly you have a new haircut and everything is OK, world peace is finally here and unicorns are dashing through the sky. 
Not quite.
I would really love to see unicorns dashing through the sky, really.
Still, what's here is my new haircut. Short. Very short. Blond. Edgy. Totally edgy.
It's just a mask, honestly. 
A mask to hide my vulnerability at the moment. 
Yes, I'm working on my feelings and fears and my emotions, handling the situations and myself.
But still, I need some protection, feeling too fragile right now.
And feeling fragile while coping with stressful work and people is just wrong combination.
Hence the mask.
The hair. The darker lipstick. The high heels. 
The indifferent attitude.
The "I'm quite bored right now" expression on my face.
This gets me through the working day.
Then ... I start to fall apart ... no more energy to keep the mask on.
So I become distracted. Tired. Not sociable. 
I get irritated over little things. Dramatizing. 
Confused. Not quite here/there. 
It may look like I'm in my zen place, but actually I'm in my utter chaos.
Nevertheless, things are looking up.
The sun is back. The cold is gone.
There are certain dreams I'm having, certain signs I'm getting.
Things are looking up to be great again.

No more steaks. (it's not about the meat)

So, yeah. He's in love. 
Great way of finding out that your intuition and clairvoyance has finally kicked in.
Well, at least I know now that I'm gifted.
And that is something.
I guess this means less and less hanging out.
Even now he totally neglected me. 
I am angry. And sad.
Angry because how dares he neglect me. All the things we were supposed to do together ... he better not doing them with her.
Sad because ... well, although it's perfectly clear to me, we are not meant for each other ... the tiny tiny hope was there. And because I was hoping to meet someone special before him.
It just doesn't seem fair to me, that's all.
I deserve love and happiness too, so why ... why am I still in this painful period of ups and downs and pain and thinking and ... why ...
It doesn't seem fair to lose him.
And no, I'm not being overly dramatic. I will lose him. It was, after all, also a part of my decision, to let go of him, for my own good.
But in my mind, letting go would mean I meet someone else and he fades away.
I should be the one to be back on my feet first, not him.
Yes, I will lose him. 
Even the friendship. We were friends. Close friends. His own words.
Also the talks, the hanging out. Him taking me to great meals. Ohhh, all the steaks. And wine. And the talks. And me flirting with the food and with him. 
I feel like all this is taken away from me and it's not making me quite happy. 
But I guess ... I guess there's something better prepared for me, right?
Someone ... better ...
(steak is optional ... red wine too ... just ... just meet me ... and be here for me .... )