Waiting for the click

So here I am again, waiting.
The click.
The famous click.
The click, after which nothing will be the same.
All will be different.
All will be good.
All will be forgiven, forgotten, let go.
I will be a whole new person.
Stronger, more confident. 
High self-esteem.
More beautiful.
The click.
In the meanwhile, I do nothing, of course, but waiting.
I stopped with the meditation.
I stopped with running.
I just manage through the day.
I did a lot of shopping lately.
Emptiness.
Pure emptiness.
Void.
Waiting.
When will the click come.

Drunken thoughts

After a looong time had a glass of wine. Or two.
I have really big glasses for wine. Really big. Because, you know, I'm a big girl and stuff like that.
Actually, he gave me those glasses. 
Appropriate.
Just a few days ago I finally gave in and went for a drink and lunch with him.
Innevitable question, what happened, why did I ignore him all these past couple of months.
Simple truth.
He just wasn't there for me. 
I needed him. 
He wasn't there.
Yes, he fell madly in love (this too shall pass).
But ... he just wasn't there.
And when he was, this one or maybe two times ... he just wanted to make sure that I'm OK about him and him being in love.
Yes, I am OK about him.
No, I was not OK about me then.
To short things up, he said he was sorry.
Like so many times before.
Middle-age crisis is a bitch. 
No fast car, no younger girlfriend, no dancing course can give you back what you have lost for good.
I have stepped back.
My work here is done.