Glitter In The Air .... Stuck In My Mind

The song, from P!nk. Amazing song.
To be honest, wasn't paying too much attention to this song, until recently.
I have it on repeat for the last two days.
I absorb every word, every note she sings. Every breathe between the words. 
It lead me to ....

I still cry. I come home, close the door and tears roll down my eyes. Because of so many things. Him, my work, my relationships with people. Mostly because of me.

Yes, I'm changing things in my life.
And yes, it is fucking difficult.
I have built this fragile mask/side of me for so long. I have listened to critics and negative things for so long, they became a part of me.
You can't change a pile of stuff that was collecting over 25+ years overnight. 
Even though it might look fragile, it is fucking hard to brake. 

The most difficult thing?
Being gentle and appreciating to/of myself. Not putting myself down. Not torturing myself for all the past mistakes (or things I have considered as mistakes) over and over again.
Just can't do it sometimes. Just don't see that it is all good, that I'm good. 
That I'm forgiven. For all it was.
Just can't see that. 
I do see mistakes, the ugliness of my soul, the emptiness, the fear. 
It is easier to judge and be hard on myself than try to embrace, forgive and heal. Because I never was tought to embrace, forgive and heal. At least not myself. 

So yes. I try. I fail at being nice to myself. And then I'm being hard on myself because of not being nice to myself. Go figure.

But ...
It is all good. I am making progress. Even though it might not seem like this. But I am.
Even though my life now is such a mess and chaos, as it before never was.
But ...
It is all good.

I am still alive. 
I am still breathing.
I still can see all the good and the bad things in life.
I can still hear the music.
I can hear my inner voice, getting stronger and stronger, guiding me back to me.

I am still alive.
Thank you.