Waiting. Again.

This time is different.
Scratch that.
Always is different.
Now is ... different.
Yes, I daydream. And I'm making some sort of scenarios in my head.
But I'm really trying not to.
Not to think too much of him.
Not to expect something.
Although ...
Although we finished each other sentences.
Although we knew exactly how the other feels.
What he means, how does it feel like, what the meaning is.
We both have scars and luggage. 
And are fully aware of it.
For now, there is no us.
It's me and him.
And tea.
And talk.
And I'm trying not to sleep through the day waiting for his text if we will meet today.
I'm so trying to go on with my life that I'm left paralyzed.
Frankly, there is nothing much going on in my life.
A lot of waiting, hoping, wishing, procrastinating, blaming, feeling bad and sorry.
The same old depression wagon. 
Not that I'm depressed. At least not so much as I used to be.
Nevermind.
I am fully aware he will not save me. This is up to me.
I am fully aware that he is not an answer to my prayers.
He is a man, with his charms and faults. He is who he is. 
And, the thing that scares me ... so far I really like him the way he is. 
And, the thing that scares me even more ... I like that I am me around him. 
I put my glasses away and look him straight into the eyes.
No more masks.
And now ... waiting. 

The pledge

You said you've got my back.
You said we are close.
You promised.
You pledged.
I relied onto you.
Waited for you.
Been there for you.
You said you haven't had such a great birthday for the last couple of years.
You said you haven't felt loved until now.
You said a lot of things.
And I ... I believed you.
I believed everything you said to me.
I believed you.
I truly believed you.
Nevertheless I knew you were not the golden boy you didn't want to be but gladly took the part of it.
Nevertheless I knew you were a manipulative liar.
I believed you.
That's why I resent you so much for forgeting about me.
For forgetting about everything you said.
For those faked smiles and pretended care.
For all those manipulative moments when you tried to get back on my good side.
For all those moments you tried to influence me with your blueish eyes.
I resent that.
You made me believe I mean so much to you.
You made me believe I count.
You made me believe I'm smart and beautiful.
And then you just forgot about me.
That hurts.
A lot. 

Under influence, yet again

I had some alcohol.
It is, what it is.
Had a great night with friends.
Talks, laughter, alcohol.
Feelings.
About myself, for a change.
Then, I came home.
And saw pictures of cute pandas.
And remember. 
And felt anger.
Just this - you could have had it all with me.
But.
I couldn't have had it all with you.
Simple as that.
You are not enough for me.
Simple as that.
I smile.
I smile.
And I'm fine.

Still ...

Still not OK.
Getting on my nerves.
Why still lingering on?
Came across some photos ... 
But, it's my pain. My mind. My feelings. 
You are done with me. You are with her.
I am not her.
Will never be.
And you ... you will never be with me.
So simple.
So why ... why still this pain.
Those photos ...
Made me realise ... 
Move on girl, it's your last call ....
Move on ...

Missing.

The talks we had.
The thoughts we shared.
Our secrets.
The touches.
The time.
Being close.
I miss that.
Knowing, you're a complete idiot and a fool, doesn't help at the moment.
Realising, you're not the one, either.
Maybe, because I'm lonely.
Maybe, because I'm letting the last atoms of you out of me. 
It feels sad. 

Waiting for the click

So here I am again, waiting.
The click.
The famous click.
The click, after which nothing will be the same.
All will be different.
All will be good.
All will be forgiven, forgotten, let go.
I will be a whole new person.
Stronger, more confident. 
High self-esteem.
More beautiful.
The click.
In the meanwhile, I do nothing, of course, but waiting.
I stopped with the meditation.
I stopped with running.
I just manage through the day.
I did a lot of shopping lately.
Emptiness.
Pure emptiness.
Void.
Waiting.
When will the click come.

Drunken thoughts

After a looong time had a glass of wine. Or two.
I have really big glasses for wine. Really big. Because, you know, I'm a big girl and stuff like that.
Actually, he gave me those glasses. 
Appropriate.
Just a few days ago I finally gave in and went for a drink and lunch with him.
Innevitable question, what happened, why did I ignore him all these past couple of months.
Simple truth.
He just wasn't there for me. 
I needed him. 
He wasn't there.
Yes, he fell madly in love (this too shall pass).
But ... he just wasn't there.
And when he was, this one or maybe two times ... he just wanted to make sure that I'm OK about him and him being in love.
Yes, I am OK about him.
No, I was not OK about me then.
To short things up, he said he was sorry.
Like so many times before.
Middle-age crisis is a bitch. 
No fast car, no younger girlfriend, no dancing course can give you back what you have lost for good.
I have stepped back.
My work here is done.